Double shot

I have to share these two, just for fun.

1) The lesser of two evils...

I get a lot of voicemails since there is only one employee for all the phone calls. So I had two customers call. Customer 1 needed me to call back about a shipment.

Customer 1 voicemail: Hi, this is S* Simooooooooooone. (Not her given name.) Sorry I couldn't hook up with, but I want you, all of you, all over me, tonight. Leave a message so I can get some, you sexy thing.

Customer 2 was just a Southern guy who called in over the weekend and said "YOU BETTER CALL ME BACK IN FIVE MINUTES, NOW!" Of course, I only work 40 hours a week, so I called him back...on Monday.

Customer 2 voicemail: Hi, y'all. This is me. You got two options. Y'all can leave a message so I can yell atcha later or y'all can hang up now and I's gonna whoop your a**! Bye!"

2) Treasure from before the weekend...

So, a lot of the calls are from a different hemisphere and on Friday, I realized that I was having a really slow day because everyone was asleep in New Zealand and Australia on a Saturday. Second-to-last call of the day, this either drunk or hungover lady calls from Australia.

M: Thanks for calling mp3 player support. How can I help you?
C (in thick Aussie accent): I want a pickup!
M: I'm sorry?
C: D***it I want a pickup today!
M: Do you have to make a return shipment? If so, you do need to talk to Fed...
C: YOU IDIOT! I want my g**d*** pickup today! Isn't that what the postal office is for?
M: Yes, it is, but you're not calling the post office.
C: YES I AM! PICK UP MY PACKAGE NOW!
M: Ma'am, you aren't even calling your own continent. This is a software company in Utah. In the United States. On the other side of the Pacific.
C: Really?
M: Yes. That's why you dialed all those numbers. It's an international call.
C: So you can't pick it up?
M: Not without a plane ticket and a career change.
C: WELL, THAT'S D*** INCONVENIENT! YOU SHOULD HAVE COME IN THE FIRST PLACE! I'LL CALL THE POST SUPERVISOR AND HAVE YOU FIRED!
M: Sorry, but he's never heard of me. I'm American.
C: Well, bye!
M: Thanks for calling.