Oh so tempting...

Me: Thanks for calling mp3 support. This is Kathryn. How can I help you?
Little old lady: Hello. I want to check the address that this certificate needs to be sent to.
Me: Certainly. What is the address you have?
LOL: *** Attention: Stuff it!
Me: I beg your pardon?
LOL: Attention: Stuff it!
Me (trying not to laugh): Do you mean Shuffle?
LOL: Oh, that makes more sense. My husband has the WORST handwriting!

I Kid You Not

Some customers just don't get it. This lady didn't get it for 78 minutes.

01:38 Hello, how can I help?
01:39 Can you please tell me if the mp3 will accept downloaded songs from a i tunes library or if something has to be done to be a ble to download them.
01:39 As long as the iTunes files are in mp3 format. you can download them, but if they are not, you have to convert them into mp3 format.
01:40 I am not real good at this, but my I tunes is in J peg format (Ithink) is that a mp3 format
01:40 JPeg format is a picture file, not a sound file. 01:42
Like i said I'm not real good at it. I have a I pod shuffle and a regular I pod and they are both full of songs from itunes, so should they work. 01:43 Yes, but iPods can accept different types of files. 01:44
do you know how i can transfer the songs from the library to the new mp3 player or how to find out what format the itunes are in
01:47 Yes, I can tell you how to do that. 01:47 Or specifically, how to tell what kind of file they're in.
01:47 Can you go to your My Music folder and find the files for iTunes?
01:49 i went there and didn't see a file type
01:51 If you go in there, you can right-click on the file, select Properties and look at Type of File.
01:54 under properties in the file type it says file folder. I know that doesnt make sense.
01:55 You need to click on a song, not a folder.
01:58 mine doesn't give me a properties when i right click on the songs
01:59 What operating system are you using?
01:59 I have vista
02:00 Okay, do you see an option in that folder to "View" and then you can select details?
02:02 no i clicked on the folder and properties came up it has general advanced i must be if the wrong place
02:03 You have to right-click on one of the songs, not on the folder.
02:05 thats what i did
02:06 Do you see a little box with icons in it that when you put your cursor over it, it says Views?
02:06 no
02:07 Okay, what does it have in your folder?
02:09 im in the itunes on the playlist and thats where i clicked on the list and then right clicked on one of the songs. get info comes up but is is info about the album and singer not about the format and stuff like that. I'm really not stupid. I just can't find this
02:09 Okay, you need to be in the folder on the computer, please.
02:10 And believe me, I know you're not stupid.
02:10 It's just something we need to go through step-by-step.
02:12 that is where i was in the beginning before you said go to the songs. In the itunes properties under file type it said file folder. then I thought you said go to the songs and right click on it thats when i went into I tunes to get on the songs
02:13 Sorry, if you open the folder, there should be the songs in there, saved as files.
02:16 Let me start over. I go to the start button - click - music - click - there are 2 folders - if I right click there thats where the properties that has file type - file folder is. Am I in the wrong place all together
02:17 Did you ever open that folder?
02:17 yes i opened it and thats where the file type - file folder is at
02:18 There are no files in your folder?
02:18 can I talk to you on the phone and you walk me through it
02:18 Yes, but it may not be any more clear over the phone.
02:19 Have you ever double-clicked on the folder?
02:20 yes it opens it up and then it has gender - rating - artist info like that
02:20 Is this in iTunes or on the computer itself?
02:21 on the computer it is in the music library
02:23 Okay, so we can cut out the confusion, please close iTunes.
02:24 Just deal directly with your folder on your computer.
02:25 When you've done that, double-click on the My Music or iTunes folder on your computer only and find the files there.
02:25 I have i tunes closed. I think when I go to the music it automatically opens i tune.
02:25 It should not, just open the folder. Don't open any of the songs, just open the folder.
02:27 Okay I went into the computer icon then music then the iTunes folder now what
02:27 Okay, do you see any files in there? 02:28 If so, please right-click on one of the songs and select Properties and look for Type of File.
02:28 yes album artwork, itunes music previous itunes libraries itunes library ...
02:29 Okay, if you open iTunes library, does it have the songs in there?
02:29 Or does it open iTunes?
02:29 Yes Thats where I was earlier 02:29 Which one is it?
02:30 a folder with the songs in it or does it open iTunes?
02:31 I think it is opening I tunes and going to the list of songs
02:31 Okay, try iTunes Music.
02:33 I tried that and it is opening the itunes also, 02:33
Are there any places on your computer where your songs are saved?
02:34 Is there anyone in your house who knows what settings they used to make it so that if you click on ANYTHING iTunes-related, it will make it go to iTunes?
02:34 Or did you put on that restriction yourself?
02:35 Not that I know of only in Itunes and then I burn them to a disc to make sure if the computer crashed I'd still have them. I am the one who did It obviously, but I didn't know I was doing that.
02:37 format with what your settings are currently doing is to download a file converter to change your files into mp3's and then try to convert a file. If it says that it's an mp3, then you know that it is, but at this point, I strongly recommend talking to the people who handle iTunes support.
02:37 Okay, the only way I can help you is with the files on your computer. Apple support would be better equipped to help you with settings for your iTunes. Some versions of iTunes will even tell you what kind of file format it is in. The only way I could see to find out whether or not these are in mp3 \
02:40 If nothing else, they can give you information on how to find another way to verify if you have them in mp3 format.
02:41 that would work with normal formats. thanks for all your help and your time.
02:41 Okay its not that big of a deal I don't want to mess my computer up or my I pods that I already have. I went to a Shop on line seminar today and they gave us a mp3 player but I 'm not messing everything else up for it. Thats probably why they gave these away instead of an actual I pod or something
02:41 This works with mp3 files as all mp3 players do.
02:41 It takes mp3 files. If your files are in mp3 format, it works perfectly.
02:42 We give these away because they are quality mp3 players such as ones you could buy at a store and when you use them as instructed, they will serve you very well.
02:43 and/or frustrated by that. 02:43 As we have discussed several times in this, the only thing standing in your way is the iTunes. The reason why I asked about the format is that iTunes 90% of the time will convert a file into an m4a file, which is not an mp3 file. That would not let you play it on your mp3 player and you would be angry \
02:44 If you work with Apple to find out why your settings that you have put on your computer are not letting you verify that one thing, within possibly 5 minutes you'll know if you need to change the format of the files.
02:45 If you find out that they're not in mp3 format, then you can use a program such as Switch (www.nch.com.au/switch) to turn them into the right kind of files.
02:45 All right, I've said everything you possibly need to know concisely. I hope you use that information and come back if you have any questions after using that information. You have a great day.
02:47 Thank You for all your help. I will see what I can find out about the tunes format and why it is not letting me find it on my computer and if I have anymore problems I get in touch with you all again. Thanks again for your patience and help.
02:47 You are most welcome! Take a second and fill out our survey after you click on the Done button. The rating you give is for the quality of assistance given by the agent and not the system. Thank you and have a good day! 02:48 -K*E* has left the chat.

Courtesy call

Customer: We attended in September and we never got no iPods!
Me: I’m sorry. When did you send in the certificates and payment?
C: We ain’t never done that.
M: Well, that’s probably why you haven’t gotten the iPods.
C: But he told us we had to pay!
M: Yes, you do have to pay for the shipping and handling.
C: Well, we filled out the paperwork.
M: And did he give you the paperwork so you could pay and send it in?
C: No!
M: Well, we need to get you the right paperwork and then have you pay and send in the paper…
C: Well, we agreed to pay for it. Ain’t that nice of us?
M: Yes, but you still have to pay.
C: No we don’t!
M: Yes, you agreed to pay for it.
C: Yeah, and that means we don’t have to. We’re just nice because we agreed to do it. I bet no one else does.
M: Actually, everyone who gets the iPod does the same exact thing…only they pay.
C: Oh, well, if you really want it, we’ll pay for it.
M: I’d appreciate that.

Paid Neanderthals...

So, I have to just post about someone else’s messed up customer service. Back in October, during the MLB playoffs, I placed an order for a vintage-style Boston Red Sox t-shirt. It was done on a gift card that a friend had gotten me and I expected to get it through regular shipping. Well, the month passed by. The Red Sox lost Game 7 of the ALCS to the Rays and the Phillies went on to win the World Series. By November 2, baseball post-season was waaaaaaaaaaaaaay over and I still hadn’t gotten my t-shirt. I tried going through the company for the gift card. They couldn’t do anything except tell me, “Yes, mlbshop.com thinks you got this.” So I tried calling mlbshop’s customer service department. They couldn’t help me, but told me to go to USPS and type in this huge frigging tracking number. USPS said that didn’t exist. I called back and they insisted that it was that tracking number, so I confirmed it and tried again. It still didn’t exist.

I called mlbshop’s customer service department and lied through my teeth until I got someone who could actually look up my order. They went “Well, it was shipped on October 17. You obviously got it.”

“Would I be calling if I got it? Here’s the USPS tracking number…”

They stare blankly at the screen for about 5 minutes. No sounds of typing, just heavy breathing and the sound “uuuh…” about every 10 seconds.

“That ain’t USPS.”

“Yes, it is. Two other idiots at your company told me over and over again that this was USPS.”

“Well, it ain’t. I’s guess it’s FedEx. Lemme look on FedEx.”

Finally, some typing and more “uuuuuuuuh”s.

“Well, lady, it was shipped.”

“Yes?”

“By FedEx.”

“Great. Where is it?”

“Sitting in a holding facility in North Dakota on October 21st…nope, they shipped it back because it was undeliverable.”

“Where did they try to deliver it?”

“North Dakota.”

“Do you know where North Dakota is?”

“Yup.”

“Is it the same thing as Utah?”

“Uh…”

Obviously this is a really trick question.

“I guess not.”

“So how was it undeliverable to Utah in North Dakota?”

“Uh…”

More heavy breathing and blank staring.

“Ma’am, I’s gonna has to put in a claim for this cause it ain’t in Utah.”

“Well, DUH!”

This was at 11 o’clock at night by this point, so I was justified in being a bit juvenile.

“Okee, I’s gots a claim on your account and y’all’ll hear from them in 3-5 business days.”

“Thanks.”

So I hang up and yell things about inbreeding and lobotomies at my receiver. It made me feel better.

Two weeks go by and that’s obviously more than 3-5 business days. I call back last night and get a nice lady who realizes that no, there was never a follow-up to my claim. She puts in another claim and tells me to call tomorrow to talk to a supervisor.

I call during my lunch break and get a nice supervisor at mlbshop.

“Well, we’ll be happy to reship it as soon as it’s been more than two weeks since it was ordered.”

“D---, it’s been more than a month.”

“Oh…oh yeah. You’re definitely past the time you should have gotten it.”

I just started laughing at her and the ship of idiots hanging around for minimum wage at their company.

“You think?”

“And someone was supposed to call you…Oh, that’s why they didn’t.”

“What is?”

“Well, the person who made the claim wasn’t allowed to, so they just ignore whatever she tells us.”

“Both of them?”

“Well, yeah. We don’t do claims for FedEx.”

“Well, they could have had SOMEONE mention that to both of them over the last three weeks.”

“Well, I’ll annotate your account right now so they will overnight your package to you for free.”

“That would be great.”

“All we need to do is credit your account and then have it reordered. Your bank will get it…”

“Did you not read the part about it being a gift card?”

“Oh, is THAT what the number is?”

“Yeah, and it should be in the notes a few times, too!”

“Oh, well, if it’s a giftcard we can’t do that. We have to call the people who sent out the gift card. Then we have to have them ship you a new gift card. Then you need to call us and give us the new gift card number. THEN we can have it shipped again.”

“And when will that happen?”

“Oh, a coupla weeks!”

I hung up on her right then and there.

Double shot

I have to share these two, just for fun.

1) The lesser of two evils...

I get a lot of voicemails since there is only one employee for all the phone calls. So I had two customers call. Customer 1 needed me to call back about a shipment.

Customer 1 voicemail: Hi, this is S* Simooooooooooone. (Not her given name.) Sorry I couldn't hook up with, but I want you, all of you, all over me, tonight. Leave a message so I can get some, you sexy thing.

Customer 2 was just a Southern guy who called in over the weekend and said "YOU BETTER CALL ME BACK IN FIVE MINUTES, NOW!" Of course, I only work 40 hours a week, so I called him back...on Monday.

Customer 2 voicemail: Hi, y'all. This is me. You got two options. Y'all can leave a message so I can yell atcha later or y'all can hang up now and I's gonna whoop your a**! Bye!"

2) Treasure from before the weekend...

So, a lot of the calls are from a different hemisphere and on Friday, I realized that I was having a really slow day because everyone was asleep in New Zealand and Australia on a Saturday. Second-to-last call of the day, this either drunk or hungover lady calls from Australia.

M: Thanks for calling mp3 player support. How can I help you?
C (in thick Aussie accent): I want a pickup!
M: I'm sorry?
C: D***it I want a pickup today!
M: Do you have to make a return shipment? If so, you do need to talk to Fed...
C: YOU IDIOT! I want my g**d*** pickup today! Isn't that what the postal office is for?
M: Yes, it is, but you're not calling the post office.
C: YES I AM! PICK UP MY PACKAGE NOW!
M: Ma'am, you aren't even calling your own continent. This is a software company in Utah. In the United States. On the other side of the Pacific.
C: Really?
M: Yes. That's why you dialed all those numbers. It's an international call.
C: So you can't pick it up?
M: Not without a plane ticket and a career change.
C: WELL, THAT'S D*** INCONVENIENT! YOU SHOULD HAVE COME IN THE FIRST PLACE! I'LL CALL THE POST SUPERVISOR AND HAVE YOU FIRED!
M: Sorry, but he's never heard of me. I'm American.
C: Well, bye!
M: Thanks for calling.

Alphabet Soup Idiots

So, on Friday, it was near the end of the day and a woman called in.

Me: Thanks for calling mp3 player support. This is Kathryn. How can I help you?
Customer: This is Doctor R* J*, PhD RN.
M: Hello, ma'am, how can I help you.
C: Some idiot transferred me to you. I was at your conference yesterday and I forgot to pick up my packet and my mp3 player.
M: I do apologize for that. Your mp3 player will be shipped to your address within 4-6 weeks...
C: This is DOCTA R* J*, PhD RN!
M: Yes, ma'am, I heard you the first time. Let me look up your information.
(I found it finally under R* J*, which had no DOCTA or PhD RN surrounding it.)
M: Sorry, ma'am, it took me a bit of time to find it because I don't typically spell Rachael with an ae.
C: WELL, THAT JUST FIGURES! This is DOCTA R* J* PhD RN! I SAVE LIVES!
M: Yes, ma'am, well, as I said, your mp3 player...
C: I WANT MY PACKET!
M: Well, frankly, ma'am, whoever transferred you to me didn't realize that I have nothing to do with that. I am the person who does tech support for the mp3 players. If you want me to, I can send a request to our distributor for the mp3 player to be sent out, but it will still take several weeks for it to arrive.
C: THIS IS DOCTA R* J* PHD RN! GIMME MY PACKET!
M: Ma'am, I'm trying to help you as best as I can, but as I said, you are talking to the wrong department for that. I can transfer you to the correct department.
C: THIS IS DOCTA R* J* PHD RN! YOU GET YOUR FAT A** UP FROM YOUR MINIMUM-WAGE IDIOT-PROOF JOB AND SHOVE EVERYTHING I NEED IN THE MAILBOX TONIGHT! YA HEAR?
M: Ma'am, since I am not the person who actually has either the mp3 player OR the packet, I can't do that.
(Never mind that I make double minimum wage and this is obviously not an idiot-proof job. SHE got through to me.)
C: THIS IS DOCTA R* J* PHD RN AND I'M GETTING THAT BY THURSDAY!
M: No, ma'am, you're not.
C: *click*